.i swear i heard demons yelling, those crazy words they were spelling.
got a call at 10am from the realtor who says i can only come look at the house between 1 and 2:30.
not only did she wake me up and interrupt my beauty sleep regimen but she also freaking changed all of my plans for the day.
and i hope that this furry fades by the time i meet her at this God forsaken property downtown.
every. single. house.
that i’ve seen is stupid and people treat me like a little kid and i just want somewhere to live.
i just want to BE somewhere.
i want to make my own space, my space.
but bitches be tryin to make it hard.
i really need to do yoga or something,
because my anger levels are out of control.
twentyonepilots might be interchangeable with yoga.
now- to take a quick shower.
and look like an effing egg dressed in a dirty polo
and even dirtier khakis.
this work garb is really messing with my self confidence.
…i have to go look at houses alone again today before work…
im usually the black sheep in the family.
the one who looks homeless.
my sister has said “are you really going to wear that”
so many times that it is unspoken these days.
history has been made.
after work and running errands i pull up to the house
and see a monstrasity.
my sister in a bathing suit with flannel pajama pants on,
one leg up, one down.
and construction boots.
wait, theres more.
she turned around, there’s no but in those pants.
assless pajama pants.
the front yard.
she’s wearing that working in the FRONT yard.
i couldn’t help it…
the first thing to come out of my mouth:
“I HAVE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE LOOK THIS BAD.”
i realize now that this was rude,
but im for real- i have NEVER seen someone look that bad.
and my sister is one attractive lady.
even i wouldn’t be caught dead outside of our house
in that horrid assless ensamble.
awful, just awful.
just to give you an idea:
now i believe you can visualize the entire outfit.
.it’s 6:41 am and i haven’t had a moment of sleep. i have to work in a couple hours.
.fake people who really get me.
1. Jean Ralphio Saperstein, Parks and Rec
“My parents had it amended. I don’t get anything until I’m 50, which is a waste because I’m going to be a billionaire in Costa Rica by then. Eatin’ dolphin and hangin’ out with lady singers.”
“I hope you brought a change of clothes because your eyes are about to piss tears.”
2. Charlie Kelly, Its Always Sunny
“I’m gonna rise up, I’m gonna kick a little ass, I’m gonna kick some ass in the USA, gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly-y-y on an eagle. I’m gonna kick some butt, gonna drive a big truck, gonna rule this world, I’m gonna kick some ass, gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass. Rock, flag, and eagl-l-l-le! “
“Yes, my good man, I’ll have the milk steak, boiled over hard, and your finest jelly beans … raw”
“Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don’t I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on little jobbies?!”
3. Josh, Dormlife
“i’m really smart but i don’t understand female parts. I’m really smart but i don’t understand female parts.”
“a box is just a box until you put yourself in it.”
“in denver i met a ballerina on roller skates. i said ‘whats up with the roller skates chippy?’ she said ‘i lost my feet, my only means of transportation are these here rollerskates”.
4.Adam Demamp, Workaholics
“those scientists better check their hypotenuses.”
“i’m sick of people not having to work for their beauty while im over here sweating my balls off for all this beauty.”
“we are kings of friendship!”
5. Nikki Fierce, How to be
“tell me, do you really like yourself? really?
“hey kid don’t care about anyone, anyone don’t care about you. youre a warrior (waahhh) your a warrior (chwaaaa).”
“i got reborn once. i’ve tried it all. tai chi, yoga, lesbatarianism, ceramic shoes.”
6. Mindy Khaling, The Mindy Project
“it’s like Sons of Anarchy in here ok? And none of the young hot characters, just like, the old ones.”
“Wouldn’t Prince Harry’s Instagram be so good?”
”This house, not equipped for kids alright? I eat cereal out of wine glasses.”
7. Ronny, How To Be
“therapy was invented in the 60’s. do you know what invented means? it means it doesn’t exist.”
“the delicesants look delicious.”
“i have a balance of self already.”
8. Lance, Jack Black in Orange County
“i got a question for you, no. i got something to say.”
“i got these ideas! like a hat, like a big ol hat that goes beeoweet!”
“dude, i’m gonna have the last laugh because here’s why, some little chumps go to college, some little chumps stay home, some little chumps eat roast beef. some little chumps have none. but this little chump is gonna cry “wee wee wee” all the way to the biznank!”
9. Nick Miller, New Girl
“i like getting older. i feel like i’m finally aging into my personality.”
“i’m gonna be like fill your gas tank all the way up, rich.”
“he smells of strong coffee and going to see a man about a horse.”
10. Tommy, Tommy Boy
“fat guy in a little coat, fat guy in a little coat”
.no one’s got it all.
i’ve been thinking about the women in my life.
the real women who inspire me.
they are alive.
and each one of them embraces the potential of the day.
living so far away from them, it’s hard.
but i knew it would be.
it’s always hard, even right next to them.
but in this new climate.
with this new job.
with this new everything.
i find myself hating failure yet again.
so i look to these women for inspiration.
and they guide me lovingly back to my path.
i can fail every day as a face painter.
and that is fucking okay.
as long as i show up.
and put my whole heart into it.
hopefully the fear of failure will not win this time.
and i won’t quit.
i won’t quit what i am dreadful at.
i won’t let fear take over and abandon ship.
tomorrow i will show up.
neither full of grace or tact.
i will suck.
but by the end of the day tomorrow i will hopefully
be a master of failure.
i will charge head on into the next day’s failures
and look to them as some sort of game.
this is a challenge,
i will fail, and fail beautifully.
Why Society Still Needs Feminism
Because to men, a key is a device to open something. For women, it’s a weapon we hold between our fingers when we’re walking alone at night.
Because the biggest insult for a guy is to be called a “pussy,” a “little bitch” or a “girl.” From here on out, being called a “pussy” is an effing badge of honor.
Because last month, my politics professor asked the class if women should have equal representation in the Supreme Court, and only three out of 42 people raised their hands.
Because rape jokes are still a thing.
Because despite being equally broke college kids, guys are still expected to pay for dates, drinks and flowers.
Because as a legit student group, Campus Fellowship does not allow women to lead anything involving men. Look, I know Eve was dumb about the whole apple and snake thing, but I think we can agree having a vagina does not directly impact your ability to lead a
Because it’s assumed that if you are nice to a girl, she owes you sex — therefore, if she turns you down, she’s a bitch who’s put you in the “friend zone.” Sorry, bro, women are not machines you put kindness coins into until sex falls out.
Because only 29 percent of American women identify as feminist, and in the words of author Caitlin Moran, “What part of ‘liberation for women’ is not for you? Is it freedom to vote? The right not to be owned by the man you marry? The campaign for equal pay? Did all that good shit get on your nerves? Or were you just drunk at the time
of the survey?”
Because when people hear the term feminist, they honestly think of women burning bras. Dude, have you ever bought a bra? No one would burn them because they’re freaking
Because Rush Limbaugh.
Because we now have a record number of women in the Senate … which is a measly 20 out of 100. Congrats, USA, we’ve gone up to 78th place for women’s political representation, still below China, Rwanda and Iraq.
Because recently I had a discussion with a couple of well-meaning Drake University guys, and they literally could not fathom how catcalling a woman walking down University Avenue is creepy and sexist.
Could. Not. Fathom.
Because on average, the tenured male professors at Drake make more than the tenured female professors.
Because more people on campus complain about chalked statistics regarding sexual assault than complain about the existence of sexual assault. Priorities? Have them.
Because 138 House Republicans voted against the Violence Against Women Act. All 138 felt it shouldn’t provide support for Native women, LGBT people or immigrant women. I’m kind of confused by this, because I thought LGBT people and women of color were also human beings.
Because a girl was roofied last semester at a local campus bar, and I heard someone say they think she should have been more careful. Being drugged is her fault, not the fault of the person who put drugs in her drink?
Because Chris Brown beat Rihanna so badly she was hospitalized, yet he still has fans and bestselling songs and a tattoo of an abused woman on his neck.
Because out of 7 billion people on the planet, more than 1 billion women will be raped or beaten in their lifetimes. Women and girls have their clitorises cut out, acid thrown on them and broken bottles shoved up them as an act of war. Every second of every day. Every corner of the Earth.
Because the other day, another friend of mine told me she was raped, and I can no longer count on both my hands the number of friends who have told me they’ve been sexually assaulted. Words can’t express how scared I am that I’m getting used to this.
Because a brief survey of reality will tell you that we do not live in a world that values all people equally and that sucks in real, very scary ways. Because you know we live in a sexist world when an awesome thing with the name “feminism” has a weird connotation. Because if I have kids someday, I want my son to be able to have emotions and play dress up, and I want my daughter to climb trees and care more about what’s in her head than what’s on it. Because I don’t want her to carry keys between her fingers at night to
Because feminism is for everybody, and this is your official invitation."
.mental health issues are not funny.
but my coworker. that i’ve uneducatedly diagnosed as an affective schizophrenic, cracked me up by mumbling an expletive riddled threat towards Jennifer Aniston today.
.just a day in the life.
p.s. i didn’t even have to make that- googled jen’s name and it popped up.
i started working at the aquarium as a face painter